Well, this is awkward. It’s February, the month of flowers and expensive gifts and here is an article about separation and divorce. So, first things first. Let’s make it less awkward and talk about the elephant in the room. No, we are not referring to your ex and crack lame jokes about it. We are not going to stoop so low, are we?
Moving on. Yes, it’s a pun about your ex. But really moving on, the biggest thing that hits you about divorce is that everything you thought you knew was wrong. And that is – the process of separation takes time. I mean aeons! Lifespans! Generations! We ought to sue movies for spoiling it for us. They showcase it like: “Snap! That’s done. Bring in the next girl. Boom! Romantic song! Enter the sequel.”
But it’s not like that. First she leaves. Then her stuff leaves. Then her other stuff leaves. Then all the other stuff she left behind leaves. And then “Oh! This reminds me of her” stuff leaves. Then your bank balance leaves. Then your compassion leaves. And then your parent’s bank balance leaves. Your hairline leaves. Your soul leaves, too. Then you need to break the news to your loved ones, her loved ones, your hated ones, her hated ones, those who ask about her, those who know, but ask about her just to rub it in, and those who are relieved for you, and those who are grateful that they can now hit on her.
Paying for not listening to a woman then. And paying to make a woman listen to you now
Speaking of hitting, you are not in the clear yet. You need to speak to the divorce lawyer. If it’s consensual and without alimony, thank your lucky stars. (And do tell us how in God’s name you managed that. Do you carry a four-leaf clover?) If it isn’t, it’s okay to sob uncontrollably and run tears all over our pages. We get it. There! There!
We do plan to cover another article soon – PTDDT – Post Traumatic Divorce Disorder Therapy or “Paying for not listening to a woman then. And paying to make a woman listen to you now.”
Then it gets worse. Deleting memories. Emptying your liquor cabinet. Drunken phone calls. Calling your date with your ex-wife’s name. Bawling while watching rom-coms. Thinking all lyrics of break-up songs are about you. Growing a beard. Trying a new hairdo. Redoing your wardrobe. Losing all fashion sense. Regressing to a Neanderthal.
Only then does it get better. You slowly begin to rebuild the man you were once. We mean before the fluff, the rough and the fisticuffs. Piece by piece. Slowly. Start with an alphabet. O for Oh, that’s a mirror? U for Eeeuuhhh! I look gross. C for See those girls are making fun of you. You know the rest, it was taught during ‘Puberty Class’, in the ‘Growing-up University’. Sure enough, you passed with flying colours. How do we know? You got married, didn’t you?
So, here you are, finally. It’s easy. All good. Suddenly, life doesn’t smell of nachos and burnt instant noodles anymore. Step by step, you reinvent yourself, your home. Think of it as your life that doesn’t have to hear, “No!” or “Jaanu!” or “Pig!” anymore. You could use this to finish the bucket list. Or make a bucket list. Go polish the apple polisher, soak your wild oats, jump over the hedges, play with the bunnies, swim with the other fish in the sea, dunk your crumpets in other’s coffee. As you can see, the metaphors are now wide open, and the world is for your taking.
And in case you’ve missed it. It’s February and there will be a lot of singletons who need some hunting. You know what to do. Don’t worry, you know what not to do. Plenty of practice with that. Right? If you do them anyway, and find yourself separating again, start reading from the beginning.