40-year-old virgin?

Some men issue a disclaimer that it has been a while since they had sex so they may not be able to last. But, I told you so doesn't help them gain any brownie points if they finish before a woman is even getting started

ILLUSTRATIONs:  Azad Mohan ILLUSTRATION: Azad Mohan

Most men I speak to really, really, really, really, really (Set to the tune of Carly Rae’s song I really like you) want to be a woman’s first. 

Her first hand holder. Her first kisser. Her first boyfriend. Her first lover. 

And after having plain vanilla sex, they continue to look for firsts. They want to be the first to try a different position, first for a different type of sexual activity, first to introduce kink and so on... 

One guy on a dating app told me he wanted to be his partner’s first and “only” even though he was in his 40s. He went on to explain that it was because he felt jealous of his to-be-girlfriend’s past lovers and would continue to feel jealous of her future lovers. 

But, what happens if these men can’t find a virgin? To paraphrase the guy seeking a 40-year-old virgin, they want to find someone with the “least” sexual experience. They console themselves by saying things like, “She has only had sex with her husband, so that doesn’t count anymore since she is divorced.”

That is why a common question such men ask widowed or divorced women is “Have you ever dated anyone since your ex?”

They are trying to gauge her level of “experience”, which they look at as a bad thing. To justify their desires to find “virginal” women, some men quote theories like telegony, which holds that the semen of the female’s previous partners can affect the traits of the child with their current partner. Whatever the reason, there are very few men I know who don’t give a damn about a woman’s previous partners. 

But, do women also put a premium on finding a man who is sexually inexperienced? Younger women, perhaps. 

Also read: Do you consent?

When one is a teenager, one romanticises the idea of having their one and only soulmate who has never been with anyone else. However, very few women recall their first kiss with said soulmate as that perfect toe-curling, knee bending moment which they read about in Mills and Boon romances. To be fair, even Mills and Boon doesn’t portray their hero as a gauche and inexperienced man. Because that is exactly how it is when one is making out with someone who has not made their sexual debut. I know the term sounds like one is starring in a porn movie, but I am told it is preferable to use sexual debut instead of virgin. 

Many of my girlfriends who are in their late 30s and 40s don’t want to be with a man who has never had sex or only done it missionary style with one woman all his life. That is why these women don’t swipe right on very young men who claim to like “older women” or on married men who reek of desperation. 

If you are wondering how experience helps, read on.

Stumped at first base?

Fumbling with the bra is funny only in a comedy movie. IRL (in real life) it can be extremely annoying. It’s not cute and definitely not funny in the heat of the moment.

In the popular sitcom Friends, Joey shows off his prowess by boasting that once he just looked at a bra and it popped open. Now that’s impressive even for Joey, but the joke works because many men act like a bra is a very complicated contraption. Some are even enamoured of the fact that women can take off the bra without taking off their shirt. Apparently, it takes some getting used to and not knowing how to work a bra is more common than you’d think.

Also read: Woman on top: Why label her sanskari, slutty or sex goddess?

However, contrary to popular belief, a bra is not designed to stump men. And if you learn to work one and are baffled by the next, allow me to let you in on a not-so-secret little thing called a four hook bra. To work a bra, take a leaf from Dory, the fish, and “just keep going”. Yup. After the first hook, go to the second and well, you get the drift..

Just like the first kiss, the first move indicates where the thing is headed, which is perhaps why you’ll find the woman a bit turned off if you move to the bra and fumble. Many a smart man usually leaves the bra till the woman is aroused and likely to take a kinder view if there is a snag or better yet takes it off herself.

But, first move or not, undressing is the least of the worries with an inexperienced man.

Counting the seconds?

I can’t help but remember a scene from the movie Lust Stories where the couple is doing it missionary style and the woman is counting, on the fingers of one hand, how long it takes for her husband to cum. 

Since he barely lasts a couple of seconds, many might be tempted to brush it off as a case of premature ejaculation and claim that they don’t suffer from it. However, whether it is the first time or there hasn’t been enough time to practice self control, many men ejaculate before a woman is even close to an orgasm. I am not saying it is a problem for all women, but for those who seek to orgasm through peno-vaginal sex, it could be a biggie. 

Some men issue a disclaimer that it has been a while since they had sex so they may not be able to last. But, I told you so doesn't help them gain any brownie points if they finish before a woman is even getting started. Especially if these men go on to snooze right after or are done for the day or night.

Then there are some who take great pride in informing women how many minutes they can last. If your claim to fame is a couple of minutes, remember a female orgasm is not like instant noodles. Jokes aside, one of the biggest misconceptions out there is that women don’t enjoy quickies. Not true. 

A woman may orgasm even in a couple of minutes given the right stimulation. So the problem is not about lasting long, it is about lasting long enough. The duration only becomes a problem when a man is done and doesn’t care about a woman’s satisfaction. Some may argue that this may not be a lack of experience issue but of a lack of sensitivity. That could be true. However, I have observed that there are men who think of their pleasure only because they have only ever had sex with their spouse who was in no position to complain. They also tend to treat other sexual partners in the same way till they meet women who call them out on their selfishness. That's when they get a rude wake-up call and not all male egos are designed to handle that kind of feedback. 

Also read: Female masturbation - real women talk about how and when they masturbate

You don't need to look further than Jeffrey Archer's book Kane and Abel to learn the right way to handle criticism in bed. There is a lovely chapter dedicated to Abel's initiation into sex where he goes to a prostitute to learn the ropes because he discovers his girlfriend is dissatisfied. She teaches him so well that he not only gives his ex-girlfriend a mind-blowing experience, but also learns to satisfy his teacher. 

Talking of teaching, popular stand-up comedian Ali Wong did a bit on her Netflix special where she described how long it took to train her husband to ahem...well, satisfy her. Though it was meant to be funny, there is no denying the grain of truth that it takes experience to figure out how to pleasure a woman.

Telegony Theory

Telegony is a theory of heredity holding that offspring can inherit the characteristics of a previous mate of the female parent; thus the child of a woman might partake of traits of a previous sexual partner.

Source: Wikipedia; www.wikipedia.org/wiki/Telegony_(pregnancy)

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