Sex column: 5 stupid beliefs about women and sex that have got to go

It is time to test some oft-repeated theories about women and sex. A dozen odd women share some preconceived notions about their sexual desires and sexuality that they encounter even today

not all women

A 2015 survey* by Mediangels.com revealed  that 72 per cent of the women respondents were dissatisfied with sex, whereas 98 per cent of the men were satisfied. Well, if all they have experienced is bad sex**, then perhaps they are merely put off by sex, especially with the same man. But, not all women who remain in sexless marriages avoid sex altogether. They may have satisfying sexual relationships outside the marriage.

Also read: Sex column: Tips to last longer and stay stronger

Perhaps it is time to test some oft-repeated theories about women and sex. A dozen odd women who wish to remain anonymous shared some preconceived notions about their sexual desires and sexuality that they encounter even today. Here are the top five theories they all agree have run their course.

“I am not into one-night stands, I need an emotional connection,” he said. She didn’t know what to make of such a declaration as soon as they had exchanged greetings, so she promptly unmatched him.  

And just like that she turned the whole “women are emotional creatures” trope on its head with a single tap. Maybe the guy was trying to impress her, maybe he was genuine. The point is, she wasn’t looking for anything more than a hookup and that too would depend on what the guy was like in person. She wasn't looking for an emotional connection, just sexual compatibility and didn't want to mislead a guy who was looking for something else. 

She asks, "Why should a woman crave emotional intimacy any more or less than a man?" Not all women on dating apps are looking for their “happily-ever-after” match. And even if they feel they need to be emotionally connected, they are not always seeking love. 

women's libido

This is not about judging a person for the choices they make. If a man wants more than sex in a relationship, he should be free to explore it without worrying about being labelled a sissy. But, just as he doesn’t get called a slut for having sex without being in a relationship, a woman is free to do the opposite. 

“We are not in our 20s,” he explained while discussing his libido or lack of it. But, at 42, she wasn’t looking to be just good friends. 

Since a platonic friendship was off the table, she told him it was better to skip the main course and they parted ways as soon as the appetisers were paid for. All her life she had heard that men were horny and raging with sexual desires. Where were all these men she wondered after yet another disappointing date.

Also read: Sex tip: Do people seek sex outside marriage when they are not happy with their spouse?

One woman met a guy who blamed his libido on his heart ailment while another was heartbroken and carried so much baggage that he was not able to get aroused.

Despite revealing their lack of sexual desire or ability to perform, neither of these men felt it was a deal breaker. They were surprised when the women decided not to pursue the connection further. They thought the women would appreciate a man who didn't want to sleep with them. They seemed shocked to hear that the women had an active sex life and actually wanted a sexual relationship..

“You don’t seem very inexperienced,” he remarked slyly after they had sex. She told him she was feeling a bit awkward when they started making out. She explained it was because her ex was the only other man she had ever been intimate with, not that she was virginal.

According to him, her enjoyment of the act indicated that she had more experience than she let on. She didn't know how to respond at the time, but later she decided to let that remain a one-time hook up because experienced or not, she didn't care for such judgement. 

A few other women also mentioned how the men they were intimate with made these observations and remarks from time to time. One of them said her husband would become suspicious even if she suggested something different in bed. He was convinced that she was having an affair because according to him there was no other way she would have known about any sex position or sexy moves.

Another woman revealed that though her partner did not want to be exclusive, he expected her to stop dating other men. She has often heard that there is a premium attached to women who are not sleeping with other men. This is because those men still believe myths like the one about the vagina becoming loose due penetrative intercourse with multiple men. 

“You don’t understand. Women don’t get as horny as men,” he said by way of explanation. 

Also read: Sex tips for men: When #lockerroom mentality spills into real life

When she discovered he was cheating at every opportunity, she didn’t certainly didn’t expect to hear that! Whether it is meaningless sex or a love affair is not is not the issue here. Neither is the fact that she felt betrayed. The fact remains that it is not easier for women to be in a monogamous relationship or tougher for men. 

There is no denying the conditioning that prevents women from seeking sexual gratification, but denying that they might have sexual urges just like men is plain ignorance. In fact, there are some women who experience extra horniness during pregnancy! 

So while you can use any excuse for cheating, your raging libido versus that of a woman’s supposedly low libido is not a valid argument. Maybe some women haven’t warmed up to sex due to previous bad encounters and some are better at hiding it because of societal conditioning. In either case, it is better to part ways amicably. 

“C’mon, don’t be a tease,” he nagged when she refused to send nude pics. She didn’t know why he felt that she was leading him on. 

She was shocked to discover that he assumed she was available for anything just because she was open about the fact that she smoked and was open to the idea of  meeting over a couple of drinks. Somewhere along the way he interpreted it as an invitation to sex though she never indicated that she wanted to get physical with him. This was not the first time it happened either. Another guy got a bad case of sour grapes the moment he realised that she was not interested in him sexually. Gone was his admiration for the confident, liberal, independent woman. He accused her of being a dried up grape (whatever that meant) and went on to describe all her so-called unattractive qualities. 

The problem is not that it is difficult to counter these impressions. The real issue here is that it is a no-win situation: 

On the one hand a woman on a dating app must be desperate to get laid, even though women are not horny by nature. On the other hand, if she has an active sex life, she is available for a booty call and any guy would do. However, since her libido is not like a man's, she doesn’t need to be gratified and she is ok with just being a participant in the act. And if she is disinterested, then it must be because women are more interested in emotional and touchy-feely stuff, which men are not interested in anyway. And if she is a party girl or lives it up, or whatever, then she must be open to any and every sort of experimentation. 

If your head is already spinning, imagine what these assumptions do to women who are constantly being judged for no reason. Also, imagine what it means for the men who are not in mutually satisfying sexual relationships because they harbour all these crazy notions. 

sex story illustration

Also read: Sex tips for men: What is your partner thinking of during sex?

Shhhh! Don’t tell anyone...

1. Women may not crave emotional intimacy

2. Women love (good) sex

3. Women also have a raging libido

4. Women who enjoy sex are not promiscuous. (Not that it is a problem even if they are)

5. Women are doing things for themselves, not to tease you

Also read: Sex column: Real women reveal their biggest turn offs

The best of both worlds 

Why make “emotional” or “experienced” sound like dirty words? Why not revel in the opportunity of being with a woman who offers emotional intimacy or varied experience or both? 

* Sexual DissatisfactionWhat It Means For Marriages In India

** Sex here refers to cisgender, heterosexual experiences including but not limited to foreplay and penetrative intercourse. Just a quick reminder that respect, trust and consent is a part of it

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