Sex column: Real women reveal their biggest turn offs

Why did she say no despite saying yes earlier?

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Thwack!

That’s the sound of shock mixed with revulsion.

Maya Tripathi, 40-year-old marketing whizz from Hyderabad whacked her partner smack in the midst of making love. No, it isn’t anything kinky. In fact, it is the opposite of kinky. Maya hates surprises and when her partner slapped her bottom in the middle of a steamy session, she turned around and gave him a good whack!

Both of them didn’t see it coming. 

Also read: 40-year-old virgin?

While mild kink may be common, it is right on the top of No-Nos like body odour or bad breath for Maya. But, things like body odour are easy to filter out, and according to her, we all have some filters or a checklist before we decide to take a relationship to the next level. It is when people do things that you can’t filter out beforehand or do something unexpected that she is thrown off. “You need to check with me if I am okay with it, right? You can’t suddenly decide...,” Maya says. 

While she may be vehemently against introducing a surprise like spanking when one is the thick of things, not every woman is like that. They might not even be averse to bottom slapping or body odour or even be turned on by that. 

But, the moral of the story is that you should refrain from surprises (especially the ones that are out of the ordinary) unless you are sure your partner likes them. 

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It is easy to blame the woman for not wanting sex or not even enjoying it much, but it is not easy to accept that you may be doing something to put her off. Typically, when a woman backs off at the last minute or refuses to get intimate or pushes back, more often than not, she is accused of acting coy or being a tease. There are too many acronyms around to describe how a man feels when the woman won’t go all the way, but not many reasons for why a woman might not feel like it. 

Also read: Woman on top: Why label her sanskari, slutty or sex goddess?

Women’s magazines also seem to offer heaps of advice on how to please a man, but not enough on how a woman can tell him to please her. Having said that, it is easier to search for tips on how to turn a woman on, but not easy to find out how you might actually be turning her off. Here are some real women who reveal their major turn-offs. 

Wham, bam? 

No Thanks, Sam!

One of the first things you might have read about women and sex is that they crave an emotional connection. Again, this may not apply to all women as a blanket expectation, but we did speak to one such woman—Radhika Deshmukh, a teacher from Mumbai. Radhika who is in her 40s and is a very spiritual person feels that she can’t have sex unless she experiences a bond or has some emotional intimacy. 

When this element is missing, especially in bed, she can’t go on and be intimate. “I was with a guy who just felt me up without so much as a hello. We were lying side by side and I thought he was asleep or playing hard to get or whatever. But, suddenly there was his hand on my breasts and the guy hadn’t even turned to face me,” says an exasperated Radhika. She says that she went rigid because he didn’t strike up a conversation or initiate any intimate gesture. Not even a kiss or a cuddle. 

Also read: Female masturbation - real women talk about how and when they masturbate

Radhika was not amused that the guy thought he could sleepwalk his way through the whole thing. Usually, this happens when a couple has been together for a while. For all you know, the guy might not have wanted to come across as a jerk when he thought it was okay to bank on their initial courtship to get some action. But, that was exactly what happened when he didn’t feel the need to continue to keep the spark going. She felt ignored and disconnected and that certainly didn’t help move things along.

Moral of the story: Talk, touch, do everything you’d do to connect with your partner, even before you get to foreplay.

Only fools rush in...

Tara Roy, a 29-year-old yoga practitioner from Kolkata, detests a guy who is ever ready to cut to the chase. Even after what they think is sufficient foreplay she may not be ready for penetrative sex. “I don’t like it when before you know it, “it” is in,” she explains. It is frustrating when the goal of foreplay seems to be waiting for the right moment to penetrate. The constant checking to see whether she is wet can be annoying. Clearly, the goal of foreplay is not just to get a woman wet or lubricated. She needs to be turned on in a way that she wants to go ahead.

Just as some women prefer to use lubricants when they are ready, but still have a dry vagina, others might not want to go ahead just because there won’t be any pain. Tara is pretty vocal about it and prefers to state outright that she isn’t ready. “One of the most natural reactions is a push back. If a guy feels a woman push against his chest or says wait, it is good to do so. It is not a match where you get wet, get set, go. It takes more than that to be aroused sometimes,” she explains. 

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But not every woman might do that. No wonder you hear stories about women who lie passively and wait for the whole thing to get over. 

Moral of the story: If you feel your partner enjoys foreplay but not penetrative sex, then you might need to be patient because it’s worth the wait!

Also read: Male masturbation beyond myths

She is just not that into you! Compatibility or lack of it is a big issue. While there are some things you can control by being responsive to your partner’s needs, not everything may be hunky-dory because you are just not her type. Yes, the flirting and the dating may be going well, but sex might be a bummer or even a no show.

If things have been fizzling out after your first kiss or heavy making-out session, it may actually be because she didn’t enjoy it as much. That is a tough cross to bear, but as Shruti Iyengar, a 38-year-old copywriter from Mumbai says, it is not possible to please everyone. “I had a great first date and enjoyed holding hands. The kiss was brief and not at all like how I enjoyed it, but I did want to give him a chance. However, the moment we got horizontal with all clothes on and he plonked his entire weight on me, it gave me an inkling of what was to follow,” she says with a shudder as she relives the moment. 

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Why couldn’t she just tell him? In her own words “Inexperience is a big turn off for me. It was not that I couldn’t tell him how to support his body weight on his arms. It was just that I felt there would too many instructions like that. I don't know whether he would have appreciated an ongoing commentary. I would have felt like an effing manual,” she says with a giggle.

Also read: Do you consent?

Shruti didn’t care enough to educate her partner, not because she is unkind, but because it would have taken the fun out of it for her. Plus, she believes it was not her place because there may be women who actually enjoy being with him the way he is. “Who am I to tell him to change his moves?” she retorts as she puts it down to lack of sexual compatibility.

Moral of the story: Respect her choice to withdraw consent.

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that not all women are the same or like the same things. But, if you want a partner who is compatible and enjoys sex as much as you do, the way you like it, try to figure out what is putting her off.

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