Sex column: Decoding your Tinder bio. It's not rocket science

A Tinder bio or even lack of one can reveal a lot about a person. Here’s why the pics you choose and words you put, matter

tinder bio

A 40-something man who puts pics of flowers or quotable quotes about love instead of his own photo isn’t being cute. Either he seriously thinks women really like that stuff and will right swipe on those pics or, he is married and terrified of being caught! 

If you do that and it is working for you — that means the right woman right swiped — then you don’t need to read further. However, if you are wondering what it takes to ace your Tinder game without resorting to using words like demisexual or sapiosexual, then read on. 

But don’t expect Tinder bio hacks or tips and tricks because there is no shortcut or formula for success. And if someone is telling you there is, they are lying.

A Tinder bio or even lack of one can reveal a lot about a person and if I can figure it out so can tons of other women. Here’s why the pics you choose and words you put, matter.

Also read: Sex tips: Oh-so-stupid things men must stop saying, even if women don't call them out

Mr Copycat

It is completely fine to seek help. It shows that you are willing to try or to do your research. But, it is wasted if you don’t even read what you have copied. Then to make it worse, you add a bit of your own information to seem original. I mean, if you mention your height is 5’4” then don’t use the bio which says, “Taller than you in heels". Or, if you don't know the name of the author you quoted in your bio, you will be caught the moment you start chatting.

If you must google “How to write a Tinder bio”, then at least click page 2 of the results to make sure you have a fighting chance at not being caught. Trust me, you are not the only genius who had this brainwave.

Mr Curious

There should be a public service announcement explaining the concept of dating for everyone on Tinder who is there only to see what the app is about, to network, to make friends or to expand their business.

It should read: Who are you kidding?

I am curious to know whether your curious avatar actually works. You can fool all people some of the time with most lies but with this sort of yarn, I don’t think you are fooling a single woman.

If you want to network, go to LinkedIn, for friends there's Facebook, fight on  Twitter, and for all other stuff there's Instagram. Stay off Snapchat. It is for kids!

Mr Sore Loser

Many guys wonder why Tinder doesn’t work for them. They write things like this app is fake. Sometimes their pics are cut-off at the temple or with a cap. The balding is rarely, if ever, the problem. It is more often than not the poor attempt at hiding! Sometimes their picture is ok but the bio is a lament. They ask for women to right swipe just to prove that there are women out there. We all read the story of the sour grapes as kids. Whining is not endearing. Certainly not to any woman who is worth it. The only kind of woman who would swipe right on that bio is one who is okay with scraping the bottom of the barrel. 

If that doesn’t describe you, change that bio pronto! 

Also read: Loss of erection? OMG! What’s happening? Is it ED?

Mr Phone Number

This is right up there with terms like YOLO (You Only Live Once) or Live Life King Size. Life is not a mattress and one life doesn’t mean a decadent one. Pics where you are surrounded by Vegas showgirls doesn’t really project friendly and outgoing. At best you come across as a creep and at worst a guy who is used to paying to hang around with women half his age! Unless that is the impression you are looking to convey. In which case, carry on!

If you are not looking for sugar babies or sugar mamas, then do not reveal your phone number.

Mr Non-Judgemental

This is code for married but available (MBA). Not that such a bio needs decoding. The sense of entitlement that comes with being married and not available for a committed relationship alone is their claim to fame. They claim that this being a dating app, women should not judge them.  Just that. No explanation on why not as though a married man is a prize catch. 

Some woman agreed/was arranged to marry you so all other women should consider themselves lucky that you decided to be “single in their city” or “made yourself available for sex without courtship” or “just the fact that you live and breathe on Tinder”?

If you can’t stand being vetted as a potential date, take yourself out of the running and stop accusing women who prefer to date single guys of being judgemental.

Also read: Sex column: 5 myths about sexual hygiene and pleasure busted

Mr Please, Please Date Me

This is not being vulnerable. This is a kind of bravado. Years before crowd-funding became a thing, someone set up a begging website and they made money. So cyber begging works. 

And if one were to use that as a yardstick, keep on saying pretty please and someone will treat you like a charity case.

But, if it is a misguided attempt at humour, then you are in for a rude shock. (Picture an I told you so emoji here.)

Mr I’m Different

Saying you are not like other guys or claiming that you are not creepy or not a stalker is not reassuring. Allowing a woman to discover that for herself is the best way to go about it. 

Remember, a confident and secure woman knows how to have a good time on her own and is seeking someone who offers more than just a hookup even if it is just casual. So if you are just saying you are different and expecting to be lapped up like a gift to womankind, then remember that gifts are used and discarded.

A confident and secure woman knows how to have a good time on her own and is seeking someone who offers more than just a hookup even if it is just casual.

If you are not looking for friends first and only benefits, don’t be surprised to find yourself ghosted after a one-night stand!!

Also read: Sex column: Does alcohol help lubricate your sex life because of lowered inhibitions?

Mr Spiritual

Profiles with pictures of various deities and other religious symbols show that a person is religious and it is a simple question of whether the swiper is compatible with them. However, wearing spirituality on your sleeve is not the same. Those who are truly one with nature or calm with meditation are there already, they don’t feel the need to play this one upmanship game. Those who proclaim that meditation works are saying, “I can meditate more than you and I’ll prove it”. They are measuring spiritual success and keeping score on what exactly? How calm can one be? The answer to that may be hazy but the question remains. 

If you feel the need to show off your spiritualism to attract a potential date, are you there yet?

Mr Baggage, baggage and more baggage!

Ok. Rule No.1. Do not project what other women have done to you onto all the potential right swipers. Instead of a long list of qualities that you are not looking for, it is better to list the things that you are looking for. So someone took you for a ride. So someone wasted your time. So you got ghosted. Big deal! 

Have you ever heard the horrors that women go through? None of your shit even begins to compare. You got baggage, deal with it. It is not the responsibility of your potential match to be fun, witty and charming and emotionally available when all you do is cry foul and are boring. 

If you want a smart and funny woman, chances are she is also looking for someone just and smart with a sense of humour. No one wants to lend a shoulder to a chronic crier!

Mr Listicle

When you write so and so keep away, do you know you are also spurning potential matches. It is a big turn off to see a list of all the wrong qualities. Guess what is worse than telling a woman how she should not be? Being condescending. It is one thing to ward off sugar babies and pimps by stating that you are not into paying for sexual favours. But, to tell women that you are not looking for drama or gossip or matrimony or any such sweeping generalisation only reveals your lack of interaction with someone your age who is just as successful. 

If you think all women talk about is make up, are you swiping right on teenagers? Or, does she think you are good enough only to handle that type of conversation while she is discussing world politics or molecular gastronomy with a guy who respects her?

It isn’t too late to learn from your mistakes and swipe right on that independent, successful woman!   

And if you have a long list of demands, make damn sure you are also damn well meet such expectations!   

Also read: Sex column: 5 stupid beliefs about women and sex that have got to go

Top 5 Tinder Bio Don’ts

* Don’t tell women to stop judging or which way they should be swiping

* Don’t post creepy pics or nudes

* Don’t crib about how half the human race is unfair

* Don’t try to be funny. Be funny or stop trying

* Don’t just say you are looking for like minded women. They are not mind readers, you need to explain what is on your mind

Decoding Mr MBA (Married But Available)

Married and wife knows = Not available on weekends to keep up the “happily married act” for facebook

Married but separated = Cheating but wife doesn’t know and would appreciate discretion

Not a crime to be married = Lecturing everyone except wife about how monogamy is not natural

Married and non-judgemental = Blaming all single women on Tinder for not wanting to hook up with them

Married and only for friendship = Being impotent or lying, take your pick

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