Fake orgasm alert

Let’s talk about sex baby, let’s talk about orgasm… or something that sounded like one.

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She moaned, rolled her eyes, arched her back, shuddered, and panted. You followed seconds later. And boy did you feel like a stud. She came, you came, she came because you are just too good in bed, your sexy time moves should be written about in the updated Kamasutra. Or so you think. Perhaps the woman was moaning so loud she made you finish your business fast and get back to checking her Instagram likes. She deserves a national award for her acting prowess. And you deserve an education.

Guess what, faking it is more common and way more complex than you think. Meet Lux Alptraum whose impressive bio describes her as writer, sex educator, and consultant. Guess what she offers a consultancy in…? She’s here to help you select the best sex toys, and adult novelty items you desire… nay deserve. She is also the author of Faking It: The Lies Women Tell about Sex--And the Truths They Reveal. “Having open conversations about sex can require us to get personal and vulnerable…” she tells The Man in a candid interview.

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First things first. What inspired you to dwell on sexuality, intersection of sexuality and technology as a subject?

I’ve been fascinated with sexuality since I was a teenager. My mother is a scientist whose research on HIV inspired her to get involved with HIV/AIDS activism in the early 1990s. That, in turn, inspired me to become a sex educator and work to make it easier for people to have the many necessary — but often challenging — conversations that help us to have healthy and positive attitudes towards sexuality, our bodies, and ourselves.

And as someone who grew up with the internet, it’s long been fascinating for me to see the way technology, and internet technology in particular, has shifted, and often eased, these conversations, giving us new ways to engage in discussions about sexuality and exposing us to the experiences and worldviews of people who have different relationships to sex than we do. Writing about the ways that technology and sex overlap and intersect with one another just felt like a natural next step from sex education.

It is 2019 and yet conversations about sexuality are mostly hush hush. Talking about sexual needs and desires is still considered taboo in many cultures across the globe. Why do you think that’s the case?

Having open conversations about sex requires us to get personal and vulnerable — something many of us find incredibly uncomfortable. We’re also very attached to the idea that there’s a “right” way to have sex; and many of us are still recovering from learning that the “right” way to have sex is by talking about it as little as possible.

Which are the most sexually liberated cultures, according to you?

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I think there are sexually liberated people in every culture, and that even the most liberated cultures often repress members by promoting specific ideas about what sexual “liberation” is supposed to look like. I don’t think any of us live in a culture where we never face pressure to have sex a certain way, or where we don’t feel like who we are is defined by what kind of sex we are or aren’t having — and that is what real sexual liberation looks like.

What are the lies women tell in bed?

Not every woman lies, but many women find being 100 per cent honest to be difficult — or sometimes even impossible — at certain points in their romantic and sexual lives. The lies women tell in bed range from faked orgasm to pretending to be into something because you’ve been told it’s the ultimate kind of pleasure or making yourself seem less experienced than you actually are or even telling your partner you’re not taking birth control when you are as a way of getting him to use a condom.

Can faking it be forgiven/ fixed?

Faking is often caused by women being in a position where they don't feel comfortable opening up
about what’s really going on: Either because their partner won’t listen to them about what kind of stimulation will actually make them feel good, or because they feel pressured to have an orgasm they either can’t, or don’t want to, have. When women’s partners make them feel comfortable, and let them know that their authentic pleasure is the most important thing, then women no longer have a reason to fake it, and can just be honest about what’s going on with them.

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Do only women fake it? Don’t men fake it, too?

All kinds of people fake it, because we’re all hemmed in by cultural beliefs that don’t necessarily reflect our actual experiences — and we’re all under pressure to live up to someone else’s expectation of what sex and pleasure are “supposed to” look like.

Who do you envision your book to reach? What conversations are you hoping to start with the book?

I hope this book reaches everyone who is a woman or knows one. I think it’s a book that can help women understand more about how the rules society enforces upon us prevent us from living openly and honestly as our true selves; and I think it can help men to better understand the unreasonable expectations they force onto the women in their lives.

Let’s talk about sex toys! Are they a need, or a want, or a luxury? Do they really help enhance one’s sex life?

Sex toys can absolutely enhance a person’s sex life, and for some people, they’re the best way to have a pleasurable and fulfilling time in bed. Whether or not they’re a necessity or a luxury is going to depend on your own relationship to sex and your body: For people who can’t orgasm without a vibrator, sex toys can definitely feel like a fundamental part of sexual pleasure. For other people, they’re just a fun way to add diversity to sex, and something they could take or leave. (And then, of course, there are people who don’t like sex toys at all — also a totally valid option!)



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How does one pick the right one?

Everyone’s body is different, so the right sex toy brand is always going to depend on what kind of stimulation you’re looking for and what works best for you. That said, it’s important to make sure that your sex toys are high quality, made to last, and manufactured with body safe materials.

Is there something called too much sex?

As with all things related to sex, this is something everyone has to decide for themselves. If you’re feeling pressured to have sex that you’re not interested in or into, that can definitely be a case where you’re having too much sex — the “right” amount of sex is always going to be the amount that leaves you feeling happy and fulfilled.

They say more can be merrier, but it usually isn’t. So, what’s the trouble with threesomes, again?

There’s nothing wrong with threesomes, per se, the problem is that many people who think they want threesomes don’t actually think through the fantasy, or acknowledge that having sex with three people means having to deal with three different sets of physical and emotional needs — needs which aren’t always in line with one another. If you’re willing to do the work to make sure everyone feels taken care of and comfortable, then threesomes can be great. But far too many people just automatically assume that three people naked together is going to magically lead to an amazing sexual experience, which very rarely ends up being the case.

What do you mean when you talk about sexual lies/ deception?

I mean a number of different things. In some cases, like fake orgasm, I’m talking about very straightforward lies: A woman says she had an orgasm when she didn’t. In other cases, it’s more like lies by omission — allowing someone to believe you’re less sexually experienced than you actually are, for instance — while in other cases, the “lies” are just changing something about yourself in order to adapt to a social expectation, as when women remove their body hair or wear make-up. Faking it usually involves telling a lie, or engaging in an action that obscures the truth, though it can come in many different forms.

How can someone tell when a partner is faking it?

Unfortunately, there’s no real way to 100 per cent detect if someone is faking it. And the fact that we care more about calling someone’s bluff than figuring out why they might feel an incentive to lie in the first place is part of why I wrote my book.

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